Twilight still sucks!
Nov 6th, 2009 | By Caine Gardner | Category: Commentary
Get sharpening your stakes, Twilight fans, because what follows might not settle too well with you.
A few months ago, I whipped up a commentary about why Twilight sucks. Since then, I’ve had people I know and people that I don’t attempt to explain the allure of the series to me. They claim that to judge the series solely upon the movie is unfair. So being the fair guy I am, I picked up a copy of the original book and cracked it open.
I slouched down in my chair and began to flip some pages. I had to cut my reading short about a quarter of the way in, due to the fact that I was afraid that the cover might peel back to reveal a shirtless Fabio staring back at me. It might be more than a story just about vampires, but it’s nothing more than a romance novel aimed a pre-teens.
That being said, the preview for the newest installment, New Moon, looks promising. There seems to be a lot of possible action sequences and it might not focus solely on Little Eddie and Bella and their silly forbidden romance. I get that’s why tweens love it, but I’m not so sure about adult women – including my Mom.
I get that Mr. Cullen is supposed to be the most beautiful creature Bella’s ever seen, but what I don’t get is why a pale, glittery skinned dude is the object of so many women’s fantasies. He’s a fictional character, folks. It would be like me lusting after a space princess in a metal bikini… OK, we’ll that’s a topic for another therapy session, so let’s stay on target.
After the initial trailer for New Moon, you know, the one where Bella almost cuts her finger completely off due to a paper cut, I had little hope for the new flick. I am a writer, so I tend work with paper every day and I’ve never, ever had a paper cut that sent blood cascading to the ground. I know it’s cinema, but for the love of God — make it a little bit interesting, not laughable.
In my first commentary I wrapped it up by saying:
“I would qualify Twilight as one of the worst vampire films put on the big screen — ever. I ‘m sorry, but I want some kick-ass action in a vampire flick. You know, blood sucking, chasing beautiful women and scaring the living daylights out of me. What I got was a big screen equivalent of Dark Shadows. Slow, lame and predictable”
I completely stick by those statements and I gave it another watch to make sure that I didn’t judge it unfairly. It’s cotton candy hidden in a Robert Pattinson packaging. It might look good, but after a quick indulgence, you find yourself wanting.
I will be attending a screening for New Moon in a few weeks and if the film is good, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I’m not holding my breath. I think it has a lot of promise from what I’ve seen, but I think it’s a ploy to pull people such as myself into the theater, get my money and then shove the same watered-down romantic nonsense down my throat.
My biggest fear is that my wife will discover the books and make me cake myself in body glitter and not allow me in the sunlight for months. Oh yeah, just for those keeping score — I’m Team Jacob.
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In this guest column, reader Jamaica Slicer says it’s high time someone defends the vampire romance series that people either love or love to hate.
I take great exception to you saying “Dark Shadows” is slow and lame. That show was a classic!
But you’re right…Twilight is terrible. When the author of the books freely admits she has never even seen a vampire movie, how in the world can she write a decent book about one? It’s Mormon propaganda, and it stinks.
Jesus Christ people. I haven’t read the books but I watched the movie and yeah, it was pretty bad. But for f***’s sake would you leave these kids alone? You sound like pathetic grumpy old men with nothing better to do than complain about shit and troll for attention.
Leave the “kids” alone? Stewart and Pattinson are actors in a major motion picture, have made tons of dough and have become household names worldwide. I simple stated what is apparent to anyone who has seen the film. And by the way, I’m a cheerful young man who longs for attention.
What makes it worse for me is that there’s an excellent vamps-in-love series on HBO–”True Blood”–that is leagues beyond “Twilight.” It handles every aspect of “Twilight” that is unique in a better way and doesn’t muck up the vampire rules.
I’d also wager to say there are much better existing teen vampire novels/franchises than this one. I don’t have any reservations at all criticizing “Twilight” when the author has been quoted as saying she doesn’t like vampire movies and has never watched one all the way through. Then why in the world is she writing novels about them and screwing with all the rules and simply making a screwy tween girl-skewed romance?
As a new fan of the “Twilight” series, I may be able to shed a little light on the appeal of the film. I have not yet seen the movie as I’m holding out as long as possible, hoping to finish the entire series first. I can’t wait to see the movie–even if the acting is terrible, even if the CGI is laughable, even if the story doesn’t translate well to screen. Why? Because it will remind me of the feelings that the books have left me with.
The series is typical, young adult fiction aimed at teenage girls. The books are not particularly well-written (even inspiring several rolls of my eyes regardless of how much I love them), but Meyer’s ability to set the scene with her vivid descriptions of everything from the weather, to the color of the room the characters are standing in, to the expressions on their faces and the modulation of their voices sucks me in to the story and, before I know it, hours have passed and hundreds of pages have been read. Yes, there is an obvious lack of sex, gore, and horror that make vampire stories so exciting, but at the heart of the books, there is an enchanting love story that any young woman can relate to… or at least long for. It has all of the typical elements–a seemingly ordinary main character who finds out she has a special gift, an idealized love interest, a villian out to destroy the main character, and unrequited love. (Remind you of another young adult series that was ridiculously popular?) The story is exhilirating and heart-breaking, and I love it.
So, I’m really looking forward to seeing the film. My friends who have read the series and seen the movie have warned me that it can’t match the books in appeal, but on its own, it’s a fun movie.
Plus, Robert Pattinson is really dreamy. That in itself is worth watching it for.
[...] Several months ago, Film Yapper Caine Gardner incited the wrath of teenage girls of all ages by daring to declare, “Twilight sucks!” [...]