Movies You Aught Not Watch: Strange Wilderness
Movies You Aught Not Watch is Nick Rogers’ weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.
2008’s “Strange Wilderness” is not really a film. It’s the Zeroes’ cruelest cinematic practical joke of which anyone unfortunate enough to watch becomes the raw, red, grossly violated butt.
It’s an affront to joy best chalked up to a dare by producer Adam Sandler — one gauging the limit on how putrid a product he got a studio to swallow, then push through its colon, based solely on his name.
“Wilderness” is rated R for non-stop language. It is, in fact, profane that no one stops talking for 84 agonizing minutes.
In a “script” by Peter Gaulke and Fred Wolf seemingly written on condensation-soaked cocktail napkins, Steve Zahn and Allen Covert are Peter Gaulke and Fred Wolf. It’s spot-on surrogacy: Talentless, humorless, delusional ass-clowns. They’re hunting Bigfoot to save their failing wilderness show.
Saying laughter proves as elusive as Bigfoot suggests that laughs aren’t altogether extinct.
Zahn jerks off the neck of a turkey attached to his hog. People vomit into a shark’s mouth. The name Dick — not last-name Harder or Smalls, just Dick — is guffawed at for two solid minutes. And those claiming “Miss March” boasts the Zeroes’ most horrifying close-up of scrotal trauma have mercifully scrubbed Robert Patrick’s cameo from their minds.
Any resemblance to comedy is purely coincidental and unintentional. The only reason to even chuckle is to prove you haven’t died while watching it. Its credits should be handed to a mercenary. Again, it’s not a film. Consider it, then, the Zeroes’ worst pop-culture excretion.