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DVD ReviewsRating: 1.5 of 5 yaps

The Expendables

Watching The Endpendables is like being in an amateur film class. At the end of the term you watch everyone’s short films and most are pretentious. Then the football player who took this class as a blow-off shows his video. It’s him and all of his friends running through the woods with their fake guns and screaming most of the time. They think they made the most awesome thing in the history of cinema, but it’s just embarrassing.

The Expendables is that movie with a giant budget and worse actors. In an attempt to be the greatest 80s action movie made today, they just made a really boring 80s action movie made today. Blah blah blah. Some country has some evil guy in charge. The evil guy has to be Eric Roberts because he was born to be evil in a suit. So a mysterious guy hires Sylvester Stallone to take him out.

Sorry, his name is not Sylvester Stallone but Barney Ross. Jason Statham is Lee Christmas. Jet Li is Ying Yang. Dolph Lundgren is Gunner Jensen. Steve Austin is Paine. Terry Crews is Hale Caesar. Mickey Rourke is Tool. Why have characters when you can just have ridiculous dumb names.

The names reflect the rest of the movie as they go around shooting bad guys and throwing quips to each other. Both are lame in their execution. There is not one memorable action scene because everything is unimaginative and poorly shot. The jokes are so painfully bad that it’s impossible to even laugh at them out of pity. Yet, the film still pauses for you to laugh like it’s expecting uproarious laughter.

The entire existence of this film is to bring together a bunch of stars that used to be beloved. But Stallone’s camera doesn’t even use that to their benefit. Almost the entire movie is filled with single shots of the actors instead of showing them together. They all do individual things and when they’re together it’s too confusing to figure out anyone’s purpose. Why does this group need so many people? Also do they know they’re not very competent?

There is nothing to connect to and yet people still saw this in droves. It’s not as good as the other 80s films and not even as good as the rest of this summer’s fare. There were four films this year about a ragtag team of mercenaries (The Losers, The A-Team, and RED to an extent). This is the only one to not have any worthy characters (or even amusing archetypes) and not a single cool moment to validate them. Expendable, indeed.

The extras are absolutely amazing for all of the wrong reasons. The gag reel is void of anything worthwhile aside from Eric Roberts burping. The making-of treats Stallone like a valiant hero risking his own safety to make this movie. It is hysterical how melodramatic it is. None of it matches to Stallone’s commentary. The film is completely forgettable, but Stallone breaking it down like it’s Citizen Kane is the most wonderful thing. It’s so idiotic, it’s endearing. Rent the DVD only to listen to this; skip the film.

Film: 1.5 Yaps

Extras: 5 sarcastic Yaps

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6 Responses to “The Expendables”

  1. Corey Miller says:

    I get what you’re saying but I went into this film with a different outlook. I knew that most of the actors are 80s action stars past their primes with some of today’s stars thrown in (a passing of the baton if you will). I also knew that Sly wrote the script so you can’t expect too much.

    That being said, I was pretty entertained thru the film. I kept looking at it as a bigger budgeted 80s action film. Were the names dumb? Sure. Did we get any backstory on these guys, like how they got together? No, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see a prequel detailing that.

    This movie is best viewed when lowering your expectations and just having fun with it.

  2. Jenn Wattam says:

    This was pretty much just a terrible movie all around. I thought maybe it would be somewhat good seeing as there were a lot of great actors in it, but yea…no. I think at one point I actually fell asleep during it. I watched it with my dad and I think the only reason it kept his interest was the all the "action" towards the middle to end.

  3. Pario says:

    I only watched this movie because of all of the actors they put together. I went with no expectations whatsoever. Your review is spot on though.

  4. Randi Slavey says:

    Okay I am so not a fan of these action movies but to see this group of guys together makes me want to watch this movie. Come on we all know they are getting to the age of never making another action flick again. So they got together & had fun. The movie may suck but we can laugh at the horrid plastic surgery they have had done!

  5. Sam Watermeier says:

    Out of all your reviews, this is my favorite. The intro is truly inspired and the rest of it put a smile on my face as well. Bloody well done, sir!