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DVD ReviewsRating: 0 of 5 yaps

Cross

Hello, readers. You look nice today! Now that I have my one and only nice thing out of the way, I can commence with the utter bashing of the movie “Cross.” To say that this movie is an utter piece of horse manure would be an insult to the world’s horse manure.

“Cross” is the story of Callan (Brian Austin Green), who is granted great power from an ancient Celtic cross passed down through each generation. Callan leads a rag-tag team of assassins to protect the city of Los Angeles from evil. When a cursed Viking (Vinnie Jones) sets the wheels of the apocalypse in motion, Callan must summon all of his strength to stop the end of the world.

There are so many words that come to mind to describe this movie, but I can’t say any of them because there could be kids reading this review. I’m just going to start by talking about the acting. I’ll just go straight for Mr. Austin Green. I knew I was probably in for something bad with Green as the lead but I had no idea just how horrible. His definition of “acting” is just walking into a room with a grimace on his face and blandly speaking his lines. Green comes off more drunk than dark and brooding. I won’t even talk about Callan’s group of idiots because all they apparently can do is shoot guns and not very well.

It’s completely sad to see that Michael Clarke Duncan has apparently fallen far enough that he needs to do crap movies like “Cross.” He has been in some great movies and a few flops, but I never thought he could sink so low. I don’t even think M.C. Hammer was poor enough to do a movie like this. I’m most disappointed in Jones. Granted he’s not an A-lister by any means, but his presence on the screen has always been welcomed and memorable. That said, I so desperately wish I could forget “Cross.”

Jonathan Sachar should be ashamed at himself because his script is so completely idiotic and horrible that I have now appointed him number one on my most wanted list. There are so many parts that make me want to vomit I’m not sure where to begin.

The story begins with the explanation of this secret society entrusted with a powerful relic that grants its owner tremendous power; it comes off as a horrible “Green Lantern” ripoff. What only makes it worse is that you only see Green use the power twice. What kind of a superhero movie has a hero whose power you hardly ever get to seer? Callan’s cross is stolen right from his chest. This relic has so much power that bullets can’t penetrate it, but a Viking with powers of super speed can easily snatch it off Callan’s neck. I know that budgets can be low, but if they’re that low, don’t make a superhero movie.

I feel that I have gone on way too long. I could easily go on about how the love interest is just absurd, the plot makes no sense, the supporting characters feel more like marionettes than actors, or the verbal vomit that is Brian Austin Green’s acting ability. But I will spare you the time it would take to read my thoughts. All you should know is that I beg, nay, plead you to please not watch “Cross.” I would be more inclined to have a back-to-back viewing of “Gigli” and “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.”

As for special features, I’m sure that the disc has some but I won’t even waste my time listing them.

Film: 0 Yaps

 

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