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What’s up with 3-D?

by on May 21, 2009
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Once again, I’ve been fooled, duped, hoodwinked. I continuously get my hopes up and then watch as they come crashing down in tiny pieces at my feet. What exactly played me the fool this time? The same thing that has been the bane of man’s existence for over 100 years — 3-D film technology.

I know some might think that I’m overstating my displeasure with the format, but I can tell you the moment it began for me, the betrayal of 3-D. Dum, Dum, Dum.

The first 3-D feature I watched was Jaws 3-D. It’s memorable because I watched on TV and they continuously reminded viewers not to forget to pick up glasses for the flick. Of course my family forgot. I saved the day though, rushing through backyards, over fences Ferris Bueller style to get back before the movie started. It was going to be the best movie moment of my young life. Uh, yeah — not so much.

After popping on my oversized 3-D viewers, I sat motionless for the next couple of hours, not because of my awe of the technology, but trying to wrap my mind around it.

They lied to me. I was told that damn shark was going to pop off the screen, scare the shit out of me and change my cinematic views for years to come. What it did do was make me vow to never watch a 3-D flick again and doubt the format as a viable option for Hollywood.

Flash forward to last week. Let me paint the scene

Int. House Night.

A frustrated film critic sits motionless on his couch. In his hands, a copy of My Bloody Valentine 3-D that begs to be reviewed. His dilemma, should he watch the 2-D or 3-D version?

Film Critic

What the heck, I’ll give the 3-D version a go.

Iris out

The famous last words of a fool.

Hollywood got me again. When the technology worked, the film looked great. When it didn’t, it was bad. The majority of the movie was like watching it after taking the right amount of medication with the wrong amount of alcohol. Everything was slightly off, very blurry and enough for me to take my vow of 3-D celibacy once again.

Hollywood, if you can’t get the technology right, leave the thing alone. As my Mom always said, “If you keep picking at it, it’s never gonna heal.”

Work on it in darkened back rooms and wait until you can provide an unbelievably major punch and then release it to us. We don’t want crappy, shifted images that have us more focused on that than in the movie itself. To be novel for the sake of novelty is ridiculous. The technology has been imagined and worked on for over 100 years and, in my eyes, has made little progress. The same disappointment I felt back in 1983-84, I felt again last week viewing Valentine.

Instead of wasting time on this technology, get back to remaking the hits of the 80s.  I’m still holding out hope for batteries not included. My fingers are crossed