Movies You Aught Not Watch: White Chicks
Movies You Aught Not Watch is Nick Rogers’ weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.
Assuming 2004’s “White Chicks” had to be made, would it have been too much to ask for it to have been a mediocre 75-minute piffle rather than 105 minutes of torture padded with overwrought messaging, dance-offs and yo-mama jokes?
All it proves is, contrary to popular belief, comedic talent in the Wayans family does not lessen as you go down the sibling chain. It stinks at the top, too, given eldest brother Keenen Ivory Wayans’ direction and co-writing of this mess.
His brothers Shawn and Marlon are Kevin and Marcus Copeland, FBI agents who must — after incredibly convoluted circumstances — dress as a pair of preening WASP sisters in unconvincing latex get-ups to trap kidnappers.
Shawn and Marlon look like Dave Chappelle when he impersonated a white man on “Chappelle’s Show.” Even with jokes of collagen shots for their lips, there’s no way they’d pass for the real thing. And where do those real sisters go? None of the six co-writers thought to explain that away.
The only good chuckles come at the expense of Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles.” And the only true energetic laugh comes when it’s sung by Terry Crews, a former Philadelphia Eagles linebacker who’s playing a basketball forward here.
His Latrell is a Lothario who falls for Marcus in drag, and his come-hither idiocy is amusing until he’s made to let loose a hateful epithet that’s out of character. Hey, somebody had to have fun in this movie. It certainly wasn’t anyone watching it.